These stories are probably better if you hear me tell them in person because I make the appropriate panicked looks and horrified hoping on one foot but I’ll do my best:
Part I
About a year ago I was shadowing/interning/assist
All day along I was seeing these strange little black beetle looking bugs running around on the grass. Some lady came over to talk to us and she was wearing a skirt and I watched one of the beetles walk up her leg and I thought to myself Damn I am SO glad I wore pants.
A little while later I was sitting in a chair with my legs up on a box, when I felt a little itch on my ankle.
I reached down and scratched it, but moments later when I stood up, I felt something moving up my leg. I immediately clamped my hands firmly around my leg a little above where the bug was to prevent it from moving any higher.
“There is something in my pants!” I said.
“Your crazy.”
“No, I’m serious, there is something in my pants!!”
At this point he reached his hand out and touched the lump in my leg. The bug clearly did not enjoy being touched and it started squirming around and then it bit me. I screamed (like the little girl that I am).
I should mention at this point that I am whining and probably speaking completely incoherently.
It continued to move and so I finally grabbed my pant leg and felt a satisfying crunch.
I sat down to compose myself for a moment.
When I finally stood back up and loosened my grip on my pants, I was disappointed to discover that the motherfucker was still alive. How did I make this discovery? Ah, I thought you might ask.
It continued to crawl up my leg!!
Now, I am not a scene kid, so my pants are not skin tight, but they are not baggy by any means.
This foul creature was probably as panicked as I was, but I am the superior species (most days) so I’m still not feeling much affection for this hideous abomination.
I clamped my hands around my leg, unfortunately the beetle had now reached mid thigh, but at least I prevented it from going any higher. I was now in five alarm panic mode.
Then the beetle did the unthinkable- it bit me again.
At this point I knew my pants were gonna have to come off.
I voiced this, more like screamed this to the guy I had come with and the small crowd that had gathered to watch me hobble around screaming bloody murder. Yeah, some people actually came to watch. So much for promoting your business, buddy, they all came to watch me take my pants off.
Keep in mind that I hardly knew this guy at this point, and I’m taking out all of my panic and frustration on him. After hearing me say I was gonna take off my pants off, I looked over and he was coming at me trying to wrap this big jacket thing around me.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!” I freaked out.
“I’m sorry, i just thought maybe you wanted to be covered up!”
Poor guy.
Anyways, I finally removed my pants enough to expel the (still alive) vermin from my attire.
Needless to say it’s life ended shortly thereafter (thanks again).
For months afterward, every time I would get an itch on my leg I would start hoping around and find a private place to assure myself that my pants were creature free.
Part II
I no longer have a spaz attack when my leg itches.
Tonight one of my girlfriends was feeling a little blah, so I got my bum ass dressed and went to her house to kidnap her with another of my good friends.
Ever since high school we’ve gone to this park near their houses to talk and vent and it’s just our spot. We feel at home there.
It was a very impromptu hangout after a very long day so I was wearing a pair of sweatpants.
We were sitting around on the jungle gym (no you are never too old for that) and I my leg itched so I scratched it.
A moment later, what do I feel?! Something running up my leg.
I wasn’t fuckin around this time. I grabbed my leg where I thought it was and whipped off them off lightening speed. The bug flys away mostly unharmed.
As I’m sitting on the floor utterly horrified (and pantsless) trying to console myself, what do my bitch ass friends do?
Whip out their phones and take a picture.

I hope a cockroach crawls into bed with you tonight.
I may never wear pants again.
